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Holi's Home Away From Home
My Thoughts
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Here are some poems and writings I've come up with along the way. These are some thoughts from the deepest part of my mind and soul.

Betrayal:
I hold my head up high. Facing the laughing people. I try to hold the tears back, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. They all knew what was happening. They all knew what a fool i was making of myself. But did anyone care? The answer to that question is no. For now my heart is breaking, shattering into tiny little pieces. I thought I ment something to you. I thought I was more than just a cheap thrill. I was wrong, about you, about so many things in my life. I have nothing left. No illusions to see. Not even my pride, my one saving grace. NOthing you took it all from me when you played me for a fool. I hope you laughed and had a good time. Now i am crying and hurting. You did a good job. I once told you that you would make a great player. I never wanted to find out for myself, but i was right. The one time i wish that i had been wrong. I believed every word you said. I wanted to believe. I forced myself to believe. He cares to much for me I told myself. Now those words are just evil laughter echoing in my brain. They are there to torture me with the truth. They are there to make me hurt and bleed. I will survive this though, I have went through worse. Oh the scars i will have to prove this experience. They tattoo my body and mind, just like your touch. I remember it and still crave it. But it would be insane for me to give in when I know the pain that lies ahead of me. I gave you my heart and you gave it back. I don't want it back, I just want you

Jealousy:

I look in the mirror. Scared of what I will see. The change happens so quickly. I don't mean to change but i do. The hideous crack in the former wonderful me. the jealousy comes out. It rears it's ugly head. Why do i fall victim? Why can't I fight? I know I am strong. You have told me so, yet I am still not convinced. I have something to hide. I ttry running, fast and fearless. Headlong inot disastour. The monster consumes me. Chews the real me up and spits me out. Now I am an empty soul, someone consumed with fear. Someone who is irrational and jealous of all. Why can't this monster leave me alone? I want to be me! I want to be the wonderful persoso n once more. I fight a valiant fight. somedays I win but somedays I lose. I am on the road to discovering where the monster left me. I need to find me. The woman I was and the woman I almost am. That combination can fight the monster and win

Decisions
 
I accept that we can not be.
I understand the friendship.
My life settles down to normalcy.
Then with the touch of a button
And a ring of the phone.
You tear it up again.
That craziness that only comes
with my feeling for you.
I want you in my life,
But you want so much more than I can give.
You want the happily ever after.
You want the picket fence and 2 kids.
I want adventure.
I want romance.
I want a wild experience.
I want to throw caution to the wind.
How can we combine our wants.
One of us will have to give.
The crushing of one set of dreams is more than I can take.
It will hurt and for one of us,
it might just kill.
I want my life and I want you in it.
How can we do this?
How can we make it work?

One Short Night

 

A single night, A few short hours.

Holding and hugging but nothing more.

We watched the sun rise.

The beauty of it astonished me.

Was it the sun or you that made it so great?

I guess I will never know.

The light broke our cover

Our time together was over.

Tiredly we joined the crowd of people

Not another word spoken, not another touch

Only secret looks shot across a crowded room.

What those looks said was a mystery

To us and to everyone else

No one knew of the time we shared.

No one knew of the bond that we formed

All of this in one single night, a few short hours

The Fear of Love

My heart speeds up a little when I see you.

I smile for hours after we talk.

I adore the way you make me feel.

This giddy feeling won't go away.

It scares me.

It makes me want to turn around and run.

Fast and furious to a place where I am safe.

I will stand my ground though.

I will look straight into fear.

Straight into your eyes.

I want you to know that I want you.

I want you to know that I care.

I want to feel your arms around me.

The strength in your touch would turn away the fear.

Sending it, and not me, back to the place that it came from.

I hope and pray that you take care of my heart.

That you don't break that already fragile piece of me.

Loneliness:

 

The silence of the room surrounds me.

The click of the clock, the hum of the lights.

The background noise that is usually so comforting.

It serves now only to emphasis the loneliness.

The fact that I am all alone.

All my friends have left.

Either by choice or circumstance I am not for sure.               

They are scattered across the country.

A quick phone call, an occasional card.

Then we forget. 

The times that we shared just a memory.

Their lives move on, but mine stands still.

The loneliness blankets me in darkness.

Is there a way out?  I am sure there must be.

A new friend, a brief conversation, the light at the end of the tunnel.

Will this loneliness subside?  Will the light come back into my life?

Only time will tell.